Alone | AllOne

I’ve long misunderstood aloneness. I’ve gone through periods of being alone and thought I truly got what it was about: being by myself

My most alone time was living in my own apartment in my early twenties for about two years. I loved my place, especially when I looked back at all my former living arrangements. They weren’t negative experiences necessarily, but it just wasn’t my space to make my rules (ego and all). It was my first taste of freedom and I gotta say, I didn’t truly take advantage of it. 

I thought I’d been working on myself in these alone moments. I was, but the effort was mediocre. I was getting by, barely pushing myself beyond the comforts. It was more like living as safely and unchallenged as possible. I was doing progressive things like cooking most of my meals. People in the office would marvel how I’d get it done every week and I could never understand why it seemed complicated. I even had a cat, a big deal for me at the time. I saved on my utilities every month by either stripping down or bundling up. Easy.

All that’s good and practical, but I didn’t really work on my soul, heart, mind, emotions, past, or physical well being enough. I tried in my own way, I suppose, by religiously devoting myself to bible study. I thought I just had a god shaped hole, but that wasn’t quite it. There was a gym in my complex just a minute’s walk away I didn’t consistently fuck with. I had a lot of space in my apartment to do workouts, art, or invite people over more for deep bonding, but I didn’t. 

Instead I created habits that trapped me in a cycle leading nowhere. For example, I had regular tv shows I felt compelled to view and a habit of eating while watching with an Olivia Pope working class glass of moscato. If I wasn’t watching tv, I was on the internet peering into the selected happy memories of framily and strangers alike wishing for a more adventurous life when all along I had the space and time to. Going to the movies alone wasn’t real adventure, but I did take a trip to Japan. One point.

I continued the worst habit of all, wishing I had a partner to help me get out of my shell or even just a proper friend who could handle helping me. I knew I needed to change, knew I needed help, but it’s a pretty awful wish to ask the universe (god) to send me someone when the best effort I personally made was wishing. I do commend myself for trying by touching religion again and attending counseling. 

15465509568139068061533438882407.jpgI’ve learned true aloneness isn’t just about being by myself. It’s about seeking help from myself and showing up for myself when opportunities to change arise. When a person’s truly one with self, they don’t pray to put some of the burdens on a friend or a partner. If my baggage wasn’t a burden, I’d have already taken care of it, right? I thought I didn’t know how to, but deep down, I was scared of my problems and I didn’t want to do it alone. The issue isn’t that I felt this way; it’s that I knew but still stayed encapsulated like a modern day damsel distressed by the very tower she built. 

This isn’t to say people can’t be assisted, but an outside mirror isn’t always a necessity. It’s a learned deferment mind frame we’ve gotta change. We think gurus, Jesus, monks, and people who live in isolation are more special and stronger than us for having the courage to be so alone when it’s something we’ve all got inside us. 

If you’re single or have the opportunity to be alone, use that time to find all oneness. I always thought being alone meant I couldn’t possibly see my own blindspots, but if I was doing the process (which is different for everyone but usually includes prolong and in depth fasting/detox and meditation/reflection of some kind) right, I would have realized I’m not alone, but all one. All one with myself. All one with my reflections (re other people). All one with nature. All one with my sense of godness.

I’m still understanding this concept of all one myself. I’m still learning how to accept the things I didn’t change about myself in order to be present enough to do it now. Aloneness becomes all oneness when you’re in alignment with you and the world so well whatever needs arise, you’ll always effortlessly manifest the solution.

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